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judgment. No questions asked. I think that is what being a friend is all
about. And it should come easily.
Some people say marriages are like that. They say you should not
have to work at marriage; it should be easy like friendship. I disagree.
My wife and I never work at our friendship. We work at our marriage
every day. Our marriage is sometimes a wreck. Our friendship is al-
ways intact.
It is probably better to have a good friend than it is a good
spouse. But if you can get them both in the same person, you are
truly blessed. So get a good friend and relax. Get a good spouse and
go to work.
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CHAPTER 16
Kids Are
a Pain in the Butt
Kids are dirty, messy, and expensive. They keep you from doing what
you would like to do so you can drive them around to do what they
want to do. They are selfish, demanding, grungy little creatures that
destroy your house, your car, and about everything else you hold
dear. There. It has been said.
Yet they are the neatest things ever to happen to anyone. I love
mine. I may not like yours and I certainly do not expect you to like
mine. But I know you love yours just like I do mine.
Kids are just so cool. They are always on the lookout for a good
time. They eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are tired, and
love you unconditionally. And they are your responsibility. You are re-
sponsible for what they learn and how they act. Kids act the way they
do because they were taught to act that way.
It Is Not the Kids Fault
You know those little kids you see in the mall and in restaurants that are
just so bad? The ones who throw their food, run all over the place
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Kids Are a Pain in the Butt 171
screaming, and make everyone around them miserable? The ones so
ill-behaved you just want to jerk them up yourself and take control of
the situation? Those kids drive me crazy! What I have to remind myself
is that the little kids are not bad at all and do not need to be spanked or
scolded. There are no bad little kids; there are only bad parents. It is not
the kid s fault he is running around the restaurant screaming like a ban-
shee; it is the parents fault. The little kid does not need to be repri-
manded, the mama and daddy do. Little kids behave exactly the way
they are allowed to behave no better, no worse. They push their lim-
its. They are supposed to push their limits; it is part of growing up. It is
the responsibility of parents to set limits and boundaries for the child to
live within, then discipline accordingly when they do not.
Discipline Is a Must
Parents, you must love your kids enough to discipline them. A lack of
discipline is simply a lack of love. I am not saying you should spank
them or stand them in a corner or give them a time out. That is your
business and there are people much more qualified than I to talk
about those things. Just be consistent in your discipline and try to
make the punishment fit the crime. And please, please, please do it
privately. Do not scream and smack your kid in front of the rest of us.
It is embarrassing to the kid and to all who have to witness it.
When I was growing up, my dad would often say,  When we get
home you are going to get a whipping. My dad gave hard whippings
with a belt. Not abusive and not all that often, but when I got one, I
did not soon forget it. It did not matter whether he told me that on the
first day of a two-week vacation when we got home, even though
not one more word had been said about it for the entire two weeks, I
still got my whipping. My dad taught me a lot with those whippings.
The lesson was not just about what I got the whipping for that was
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172 Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life
obvious. The real lesson was that his word was golden. A promise is a
promise regardless of what the promise is about. Though I did not ap-
preciate that lesson much when I was promised a whipping, I appreci-
ate it now. I learned I could count on what he told me, every time,
good or bad. I have tried to teach the same lesson to my children.
The Importance of Your Word
My boys and I play a game based on the idea  What would you do for
how much money? Stupid stuff like how much money would it take
to eat a worm? Or bite the head off of a chicken? Just silly stuff we
were willing to put a price on and laugh about. (By the way, my price
was always much lower than theirs. I know what it takes to make the
big bucks and somehow a worm or a chicken head does not seem like
that big of a deal to me.)
When my boys were about five and nine years old, we were out
taking our dogs, Elvis and Nixon, for a walk. I had some dog biscuits
in my pocket and I asked my older son, Tyler, what it would take for
him to eat a dog biscuit. He said he would eat one if I ate one. I im-
mediately popped one in my mouth, chewed it up, and swallowed it
with a smile and then handed him his. He would not do it. He said
he was just kidding.
That is when he learned a very valuable life-lesson: A deal is a
deal. I would not let him off the hook. I made it very clear he would
eat the dog biscuit just like I did. He made the rules and he was going
to live by them. We stood right there in the street for a good long
while with him whining about how he did not really mean it. That is
when he learned the next valuable life-lesson: Do not let your mouth
write a check your ass can t cash. I told him we would stand right
there all night if we had to, but in the end, he would indeed eat the
dog biscuit.
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